“she came home, later than usual. but just like other days, she dropped her bag, kicked the shoes from under her feet, and sat on her floor. she sat for a few seconds, seeming to be lost in thought; stressed. she walked over. she hooked her hand around my arm. she placed me on the pedestal she always does before using me, slowly withering me away. i was more than happy to be of use; but i wasn’t sure why it took parts of me away every time. if she wanted to use me, i’d let her. over, and over again. she had found her strategy. her key to vulnerability. she was practical. i gave her light through her hardships. i gave her comfort. once i was at her convenience, she kept me going in the background. hours passed, and she overlooked my abilities. ignored me. and i let her, because she deserved some, eventual, rest. i stayed there for her until she finished her work. i was running out of the little stamina left in me. she moved to her bed. tears pooled up, and her eyes overflowed as an oceansides wave. i watched her drown in her own mind— lacking charisma. was i not enough? was my comfort taken for granted? i let her use me, over and over again and it is still— not yet enough.

i gave it everything, and yet it was still: not enough.

the flame i once burned like a star in the sky was nothing but a line of smoke: rising from what once was.”

–

I never pictured myself sharing this piece to anyone but a close friend amid a crowded lunch table as it was still unfinished. Written from the perspective of a candle, the narrative first began as a reflection of pushing people away as I overworked myself. How those who cared for me stayed as I felt undeserving of their stillness; as I took more time for myself. I’d later realize that the total amount of time I’d put in then to better myself later, was rather anything but inconsiderate. Completing this road alone was the best possible thing I could’ve done. Removing what didn’t serve me was the ignition of what was soon to be a large ‘series of (fortunate) events.’ Completing your self righteous journey of bettering your mind will always be best to do alone. This is not a sign to cut off those who remain healthy in relation, for they are a part of you, and not a sense of being truly alone. Being alone to better yourself is being rid of toxicity. You cannot find peace in the same place you lost it. The piece was finished off a month later (second half italicized) of a completed transformation. The second half focuses on a lost, one sided connection. This is not to be mistaken for a human connection; but a connection of therapeutic exercises (hence the candle) lost, no longer needed. I’m proud to be sharing this with others, as proud as I am to of accomplishing this odyssey independently.